We Want a Ceremony Before Our Catholic Wedding — What Are Our Options?

I get this call more often than you might expect. A couple wants to plan a ceremony before Catholic wedding preparations take over — a beautiful, heartfelt moment in San Francisco, somewhere meaningful, before the full liturgy of the Church. They’re not asking me to replace the sacrament. They’re asking whether there’s something they can do now, together, that honors the weight of what they’re building — before the license, before the Mass.

The answer is yes. But only if we’re clear about what that something actually is — and why the design matters enormously. Call 415-302-0444 and I’ll walk you through it. Or keep reading.

Why This Question Comes Up

Catholic weddings take time. Couples go through Pre-Cana. They meet with their priest. There are canonical requirements, and if one or both partners aren’t Catholic — or were previously married — there may be additional steps. The date they’re ready to celebrate the sacrament may be months or more than a year away.

Meanwhile, they want something. Not a workaround. Not a rehearsal. Something real — a moment that marks the intention they’re living every day. A ceremony that witnesses who they are to each other and what they’ve decided to build.

But the most common mistake couples make when planning a ceremony before Catholic wedding dates are set is not realizing how much the design of that ceremony matters. Because the wrong kind — even a beautiful one with the right intentions — can create problems they never anticipated.

What a Wedding Ceremony Actually Does

A wedding ceremony — civil or religious — establishes marriage. It involves an exchange of consent, a declaration of intent, and a pronouncement. In California, it also involves a marriage license that is signed and filed with the county. When you’re married, you’re married. In the eyes of the state, and in the eyes of the Church, that changes everything about what comes next.

This matters for Catholic couples because the Church does not perform a full wedding Mass for couples who are already legally married. If you marry civilly first, the path to marrying in the Church becomes convalidation — a different rite, with a different structure, that cannot replicate the experience of a first-time sacramental wedding. This is not a punitive rule. It reflects the Catholic understanding that marriage is established at the moment of consent, not retroactively blessed.

So: a civil wedding ceremony before a Catholic wedding Mass isn’t a solution. It’s a door that closes.

What a Commitment Ceremony Does

Many couples think the answer is a commitment ceremony — a symbolic ceremony without the legal component. And in some contexts, that’s a meaningful option. But a commitment ceremony follows the same design as a wedding. It has a processional. It has vows. It has a ring exchange. It ends with a pronouncement. The only thing it doesn’t have is a license. Everything else — the language, the structure, the witnessed exchange of consent — mirrors the wedding ceremony it’s modeled on.

For Catholic couples, this creates a different version of the same problem. The Church is sensitive not just to legal status, but to whether a couple has already publicly exchanged marital consent — whether the event was called a wedding or not. A ceremony that is structured as a wedding, even without the paperwork, can complicate the question of intent when the time comes for the sacrament.

A commitment ceremony, even a beautiful one, may not be the right fit here either.

What the Chosen Union Ceremony Is — and Is Not

The Chosen Union is something I created specifically because couples kept asking for something that didn’t yet exist. It is not a wedding ceremony. It is not a commitment ceremony. It is its own thing — and the distinction is structural, not semantic.

What it does instead is something harder to define, and more meaningful for the couples who need it. The Chosen Union is a ceremony of declaration — not of marriage, but of each other. It witnesses the act of choosing: choosing this person, choosing these values, choosing the life you intend to build together. It holds the weight of that decision with the ceremony and intentionality it deserves, without functioning as a marriage rite in any legal or sacramental sense.

Couples who participate in a Chosen Union leave having stood before witnesses, spoken truth about who they are and what they’ve decided, and marked a moment that will mean something to them for the rest of their lives. They do not leave married.

How These Three Things Differ

A Word About the Catholic Path Forward

I want to be clear: I’m not a canon lawyer, and every couple’s situation is different. The right conversation to have about your specific path is with your priest. What I can say is that the Chosen Union is deliberately designed to contain nothing that constitutes a marital act — no vows, no consent, no pronouncement. Its structure is the basis for that conversation with your priest, not a substitute for it.

If you’re already legally married and hoping to marry in the Church, that path is convalidation — a genuine, sacred, and beautiful liturgical rite. It is not a lesser ceremony, though it is different from a first-time sacramental wedding Mass. Couples who go through convalidation often describe it as deeply meaningful precisely because they arrive already knowing what they’ve chosen.

And if you’re engaged and waiting for your Catholic wedding date, wanting something that honors the seriousness of your intentions now — the Chosen Union was made for exactly that.

Who the Chosen Union Is For

The Chosen Union isn’t exclusively for Catholic couples — it serves anyone who wants a ceremony of intention that isn’t a wedding. But it is the clearest answer I know for couples seeking a ceremony before Catholic wedding preparations begin or conclude. It fits particularly well for:

• Couples planning a Catholic wedding who want a meaningful ceremony now, during the engagement period
• Couples who share deep faith and want that honored in a ceremony, without conflating it with the sacrament they’re planning
• Partners who want to mark a shared intention before family, without the legal or sacramental weight of marriage
• Couples navigating complex canonical situations who want ceremony while they work through the process

The Ceremony Itself

The Chosen Union unfolds as a ceremony of presence and declaration. There is an opening — a gathering of everyone into the moment and what it means. There is language about choosing: what it means to choose this person, to stand here and say so in front of the people who know you best. There is reflection on shared values, on what you’re building, on the life you’ve decided to live together.

There is no moment that asks you to say “I do” to each other as a marital act. There is no ring exchange that mirrors an engagement or wedding. There is no ending that declares you anything you weren’t when you arrived.

What there is, is weight. And beauty. And the specific feeling of having stood somewhere sacred and said something true.

That’s what couples come to the Chosen Union for. And it’s what they leave with.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can we have a ceremony before our Catholic wedding without affecting the sacrament?

It depends entirely on what kind of ceremony it is. A civil wedding or a commitment ceremony that follows the structure of a wedding — with vows, a ring exchange, and a pronouncement — can complicate the question of marital consent before your Catholic wedding Mass. The Chosen Union is specifically designed to contain none of those elements. It is a ceremony of declaration and intention, not a marriage rite. That said, every canonical situation is different, and you should speak with your priest about your specific circumstances.

What is the difference between the Chosen Union and a commitment ceremony?

A commitment ceremony follows the same design as a wedding — processional, vows, ring exchange, pronouncement — without filing a marriage license. The Chosen Union has none of those elements. There are no vows, no declaration of intent to marry, no pronouncement, and nothing is signed or filed. It is a ceremony centered on choosing: sharing your values, your intentions, and what you’re building together. It is not modeled on a wedding and does not function as one.

What is convalidation, and how is it different from a Catholic wedding Mass?

Convalidation is the rite by which the Church recognizes and makes sacramentally valid a marriage that already exists civilly. It typically takes place in a church, involves a re-exchange of consent before a priest and witnesses, and may include blessings and liturgical elements. It is a genuine and sacred rite — but it is not the same as a first-time sacramental wedding Mass. If you marry civilly before your Catholic ceremony, convalidation is the path forward, not a full wedding Mass.

Can we use the Chosen Union to legally marry before our Catholic wedding?

No. The Chosen Union is explicitly not a legal ceremony. No marriage license is involved, nothing is signed, and no legal marriage is established. If you want to be legally married, a civil ceremony is the appropriate path — but understand that doing so before your Catholic wedding will change the structure of your Catholic celebration from a wedding Mass to a convalidation.

Who performs the Chosen Union Ceremony?

Ema Drouillard of My SF Wedding created the Chosen Union and performs it throughout San Francisco, Marin, and Sonoma counties. Ema is an ordained minister with over 25 years of experience and more than 1,000 ceremonies performed. She has deep familiarity with interfaith and Catholic-adjacent situations and will help you understand which ceremony serves your actual needs. Call 415-302-0444 to talk through your situation.

Do we need to tell our priest about the Chosen Union before our Catholic wedding?

That is a conversation to have with your priest, not with me. What I can say is that the Chosen Union does not establish marriage — legally or sacramentally — and is designed specifically to avoid the structural elements that could raise canonical concerns. Your priest is the right person to evaluate your specific situation and path.